Blog Updates

Bullshit Week

08/09/2026, 202
Listening to: OHFR? - Rico Nasty

In my last blog post I wrote about how I was stung by a bee, which I am allergic to, and had to go to the ER. I foolishly believed that was the highlight of my week.

I took most of a day off of work for that, which is probably not enough, but unfortunately the best I can get. Because my life is just like that. That's fine! Usually I would try to take it easy at work following something like this. Reasonable, right? Well.

Next day at our daily work meeting my boss informs be I will be embalming a crash victim who died in surgery. Alright. How bad can it be? The answer is, pretty bad. Oh, if only I could give more salacious details. Christ! Lets just say: I started the embalming at 2pm, and I didn't leave work until 8.

Also, these sorts of cases are just worse than the others. Young people, traumatic deaths. It's different from someone's grandma who lived a long life and died peacefully at home. Sometimes you just look at them and its like...but you weren't done yet! Typically, I feel very little for the people I care for at work. This is preventative and good. One cannot possibly be sad about every case, it's not my job to internalize other people's trauma. I'd never get anything done that way. The young people aren't really an exception to that, but it does just feel different.

Because I wasn't feeling well already, and then was on my feet in the prep room until 8, the next day (Friday!) I was like, ok. Nothing crazy today. I planned to check in with my clients, do some paperwork, that type of stuff. I got a lot of it done and then was working on my fanfic when my boss comes in and says that the family she is meeting with scheduled a funeral at their church for Saturday morning without checking with us (we no not work weekends) and we kinda have to go along with it, pretty much just because they are rich. That's what it ammounts to. We have an insane fee for weekend services and they're just like yeah, fine, and bought like, the most expensive casket, flowers, etc...So. I had to get up and embalm this gentleman right away.

Took me a few hours. Was sort of difficult. Also, he is being shipped out of the country after his funeral so I had to do the MOST. It was a longer and more careful embalming than what I'd usually do. Then we had to dress him right away, casket him, print the prayer cards, basically speedrun the funeral. I was finishing up some final touches, hypodermically embalming his fingertips, when the syringe I was using broke and sprayed directly into my eye.

This is how I find out that our emergency eyewash station doesn't work.

I blindly make my way over to where the eyewash station is and grope for the handle. The shower turns on. Water dumps all over my head and, of course, on my phone and the JBL speaker on a nearby shelf. The music fizzles out. My eye is still full of fomaldehyde and I am very wet.

I turned it off and ripped off my gloves and flushed my eye with my hand in the prep sink. Then I went and showed my boss who was like, "yeah it happens. That's a rite of passage, basically." I washed it out more in the somewhat more sanitary upstairs bathroom. Then I just went back down stairs and finished what I was doing. I worked another half hour of overtime.

My goal this weekend was to chill. I failed, pretty much. My grandmother's funeral is coming up and the invitation I got from my uncle was basically "you don't have to come, really, you basically shouldn't" so now I kind of have to, right? I am estranged from this side of the family. My dad was a screw up and so I must be too. Whats funny is that in their eyes I definitely am, even though I am actually very successful considering I started with nothing. Fuck em. I'll be there.

Archive

BEE?, 08/05/2026

Listening to: Little Egypy - The Coasters

I got stung by a bee last night which was problematic because I'm allergic to bees. I thought maybe I could just, like, wait and see what happens? but I started to feel way fucked up really quickly so I had to go to the ER. They should give me a fucking punch card. I'm always there. Good lord.

So I spent most of the night there getting epinephrine, antihistamines, etc. and it was all fine in the end but I still felt shitty. Couldn't really take the full day off because my job never ends you know? I didn't get any sleep after the hospital (thanks epinephrine) so I just went into work to reply to emails from my clients, checkin in on things, and bring some stuff to the post office and fedex. Then I went home and literally just slept all fucking day.

Forgot that I was on call. Dispatcher called me to say there was a family on the line that had some questions. I'm like, half awake but I say yeah sure. It's a family that we have helped before and they were hoping to speak to a funeral director who's retiring, because she helped them pull off burial in a very short amount of time due to their cultural traditions. They want burial on saturday and their loved one passed away out of town. We don't typically do services on Saturday, and idk if the cemetery ever does that.

This type of thing stresses me out so bad, because like OF COURSE I want to adhere to everyone's customs. But like, legally and logistically I'm not sure I can make that happen, and I'm not sure I'm the best director to even attempt it. I'm mostly a back of the house type person. Yes, I am dual-liscensed, but its generally understood that I am an embalming/prep person who is also capable of handling direct cremation clients and the odd service/burial when no one else is available. I just don't want to dissapoint them. I'm worried that since I spoke to them tonight my boss will automatically make me take the case and I'll fail.

So that's where I'm at. My whole body hurts and I had a low grade fever most of the day. And work is a lot right now. Plus I'm getting towards the end of doing all the legal/estate stuff regarding my dad who passed away over two years ago. It's been a long and terrible process and still is. I pray it fucking ends sooooon.

San Franciscooo, 07/18/2026 2109

Listening to: Make a Wish - The garden

Been back home in San Francisco for a few days and I feel like I should go out to the bars or whatever but I'm so tired. I'm having fun just chilling at my mom's house. Haven't done much, went shopping today for work clothes that are better fitting/more masculine and I did good. But jesus fucking christ, I can't spend any more money ever again for as long as I live.

I've eaten so much good food, too. And at any time of day. Theres always something good somewhere. Where I currently live there is a ton of good stuff but it all closes like, while I'm still at work. And is expensive. Ridiculous. I miss living here. I might have a job lead down here but I'm not sure I'm ready to move. It costs so muchhhh.

Things About Konni, 07/13/2026 2136

Listening to: Isn't it Stupid? - Perverts Again

So I'm having kind of a fucking stupid week. Like, just everything that could go wrong is going wrong. My grandmother died last week, two friends have also passed away recently. I'm sick, I'm kinda bogged down at work and just...disengaged. A lot of other stuff and it's all making me act so evil and stupid. But I'm a little bit bored of the constant self sabotage cycle so I'm doing other things instead of that. Mostly.

I'm working on Signal Fires, which is my second OC fic book, following Live Through This, which is very near and dear to my heart. This one is less a labor of love and more a labor of...purpose? Idk, I'm fleshing out my characters more, diving into the people they become when stripped of their safety blankets. It feels important but is also a little more difficult to write because I drafted up so much plot stuff. Why'd I do that! Live Through this was, basically, a bunch of assholes going on a walk in the jungle and things go Wrong. Signal Fires is multiple plots interwoven. Oh my god, I'm not a writer! Why did I do this! I shall continue though. Geez.

I love all my OCs a lot but Konni in particular is like...on another level to me. She's like a deity. The patron saint of my sanity and creativity. Writing her is good for me in ways I can't articulate. Her first iterration existed when I was like eight years old. Her name has changed, her story has changed, but it's still her. And I really like sharing her with others. Sharing my writing about her over the past year has been one of the best experiences of my life and I'm not even joking.

So, in an exercise of "don't self sabotage, do something creative instead," here's some Konni stuff.

She's from a low income, agricultural area of Ryloth. Before she was taken into the Order she lived in a multi-gen household, and her mother wasn't around. There was some degree of abuse going on. She was neglected. She liked to play outside and spend time alone.

She's big on jewelry. While she was a Jedi, she wore some, but most of it she just kept for special occasions because it wasn't super practical to be wearing jewelry while like...fighting a war. Post-order 66, she starts wearing a lot of jewelry all the time. It makes her feel confident.

Konni loves music. Especially metal/punk type stuff? She also love the scenes of those sorts of genres, she's such a people person and the social/DIY vibe always drew her in. When she was a teenager her and a few friends would sneak out of the temple and go see bands all over Coruscant. At those shows she was patchine people up who got black eyes in the pit and stuff like that.

Speaking of which, she is a healer. Her master was an anthropologist and a healer who's focus was medicinal practices across the galaxy. Konni learned this trade from her master, but in her early 20s became a Jedi Shadow and part-time cartographer.

She has a special ability to feel where she is in relation to any and all celestial bodies. She can point to the direction any planet she's been to in the sky at any given time. She draws out maps that she calls "webs" of near-nonsese routes to systems that she can just feel. Most people think this is pointless. It isn't.

lesbiaaaannnn

I don't really have time to work on Signal Fires right now with everything that I have going on. I have the latter half of this week and the beginning of next off work, and I'm going out of town to visit my family. Maybe I'll find time then. I HOPE. Jesus christ...

Really Big Tattoo, 07/04/2026 1300

Listening to: I Live Off You - X-ray Spex

I'm home visiting family since I got a long weekend off work for the holiday. I'm at my mom's house now but I spent the past few days at my tattooer friend's housegetting ritualistically tortured and paying a lot of money for it. We've been working on my back piece for literal years and we're now at the point where we have one more 2-day sleepover session left...Why is that so sad?! Idk. It is though.

Do You Ever Feel Like Throwing Rocks At People?, 06/27/2026 1842

Listening to: Wave Goodnight To Me - Jeff Rosenstock

Listen. LISTEN. I love what I do for a living. It's very fulfilling and whatever. Yeah. It is. I've very happy with the career I've chosen. I'm good at it. I help people during a very difficult time in their lives and that's important.

However.

I'm burnt out. I'm operating on a level of stress that's genuinely unsustainable. And that's bad. But sometimes the bullshit reaches critical mass and it loops back around into being fun? Or at least funny. Like, alright, if everything is this completely fucked then lets just keep on truckinnn, I guess! That's where I'm at. Whatever. Like really, whatever.

NJO makes me feel emotions. Remember those?, 06/14/2026 1732

Listening to: Killa Whale - Andre Nickatina

I feel like I don't read as much as I should because I'm usually rotting phone-in-bed style. And then sometimes I'm like, fuuuuck! I need to read more! There are so many good books out there and I will not live forever. Probably.

Anyways, slowly creeping towards the end of my NJO reread, and oh. Ohhhh. Tahiri.

What really gets me about Tahiri Veila is that she is introduced as just like, a silly little character. Anakin's childhood friend. And then like, what? Here she is, barefoot in the jungle, holding the corpse of the mystical creature Jedi master she and Anakin met as children. Who told them they were special, and had a destiny. And here she is getting tortured and ripped apart. And no longer caring what happens after. Losing her best friend. Accepting a foreign personality and culture into her own. She is such a study in grief, in childhood abuse. How the fuck is NJO so good?

Anyways, I stand by NJO being good. Most of it. Especially like, Balance Point through Traitor. It's always a little bit wtf when genre fiction space franchize tie-in novels are like, ridiculously good. But here we are. Less rotting, more reading.

Guess I'm blogging now, 06/11/2026 0847

Listening to: I'm So Free - Lou Reed

I was looking at other people's websites and saw a lot of people blogging and I was like, yeah okay i could do that. I don't know why I want to like what is different about this than, say, my constant oversharing on tumblr? Idk, I guess here i know that theres only like 5 people looking. So, sure, why not.

Anyways, I have family coming to town today to take care of some paperwork involving my dead dad, because dying involves a lot of paperwork. Whats funny about this is that as a mortician I meet a lot of people three times my age who say things to me like "You have no idea how hard this is, the probate process and notifying all the banks and insurance and...." which pisses me off because, I do know how hard it is. Young people can have dead parents too. But also it makes me feel better, like, see! I'm not crazy! This shit is crazy stressful and I had to figure it out on my own in my 20s! Whatever.

Funeral I'm working today, family put in the obit to come dressed as a "baddie not a saddie" so I'm wearing a bunch of jewelry and my white cowboy boots.